Loneliness and Art Therapy

One week of solitude and counting. I know that's not a crazy-long time but It hasn’t been easy, and as much as I imagined my time abroad would entail a certain amount of loneliness, I never really experienced it until now. Marianne and Shaleas departed for their next life adventures last Sunday and I have been here in Thawangpha “alone” for the past week. Obviously there are still Thai people around and even the Chinese teachers have been here, but no one that speaks English as a first language remains but me. The first few days were rough; I think it was the shock of being alone. The next few days improved as I found myself getting into my own groove. Today, however, I had a bit of a relapse and felt sad and depressed again this morning. Loneliness is a weird thing, it is not like I am bored per se, there are plenty of things that I can and should be doing (do I really have to file my taxes from Thailand?). However, loneliness can be pretty debilitating sometimes. As a default, there is always the internet (assuming it is actually working) or reading and once I have had my fill of those things, I start doing weird stuff like spending an hour perfectly plucking my eyebrows, diligently manicuring my nails, or doing a great job of shaving my legs. I also have been doing yoga every day, which always cheers me up, but after two hours in this heat you gotta call it quits. I think that the hardest part is those weird times of the day when it is too early to watch a movie (besides, that was the plan for the evening) and it is really too hot to be outside for long periods of time. I find myself sitting on my bed staring at the wall having a profound understanding of why people talk to their plants and animals. It is quite a strange thing to go an entire day and not talk. Not very often do most people do this. The other morning I had been up for four hours and all of a sudden realized I hadn’t spoken a word out loud. All morning thoughts were running through my head, but I hadn’t muttered a sound. I finally decided to open my mouth and say hello to the gecko on my wall and I almost scared myself. Yes, I now understand what crazy feels like.

Now, it isn’t all as sad and morbid as I am probably making it sound, it’s just those moments of the day when it hits you hard. I guess it is what you do in these moments that matter. If you succumb to the sadness (which I have), you end up curled up in bed talking to geckos, on the other hand, if you choose to fight (which I do sometimes) you force yourself to go do something and ultimately you end up happy that you fought and won. Today was an example of this, I woke up feeling pretty melancholy, I checked my email and there was nothing new (you guys have no idea what an email does for a lonely person!) and soon thereafter the Internet stopped working all together. All of a sudden, it hit me, like a slap right across the face. I didn’t want to be here anymore, I wanted to be where my friends and family were. I wanted to be where people spoke English. I wanted to eat a burrito and watch The Soup for the love of God! I immediately felt like I had no control of my life, I felt trapped. I imagined you all bustling around on your Saturday night, eating sushi, watching a movie at home, or having a glass of wine with friends. Then I saw myself in the middle of nowhere on the other side of the world from all y’all, sitting in a cement box with roosters crowing in the back yard. I initially gave in to The Loneliness Monster and crawled back in bed. Then, my phone started ringing.

The Thai English teachers have been really sweet to me this past week. They know that I have been feeling pretty lonely so they have been making an extra effort to invite me here and there with them. While it is incredibly nice and thoughtful, it is also exhausting to spend a lot of time with them. The language barrier really makes it difficult to relax and just have a free-flowing conversation; which is exactly what I have been missing. At first I deflected invitations with this excuse or that excuse. I wanted to wallow in my misery in peace dammit! But after the fourth call from Cru Kai, I rolled myself out of bed, put on a happier face and went to meet her. As some of you know, Cru Kai’s husband teaches art at the primary school in town. A few months ago Marianne and I expressed interest in him teaching us to draw. He gave us a few assignments that consisted of drawing horizontal lines, then vertical lines, and then diagonal lines over and over. We were to complete these exercises before working on our pièce de résistance - a tree with flowers and mountains in the distance. Of course, time got away from us and usually drinking beer at night was more desirable than drawing lines. When we graduated to the wavy lines, we pretty much stopped trying. However, Cru Kai’s husband was willing to overlook my laziness. I got to the school and there were six of the most adorable ten year olds ready to teach me to draw. These girls were so shy that they wouldn’t actually talk to me, but they all fought over who got to sit next to me. We quickly got to work and I finished the now-shortened exercises I needed to do to draw my tree. Once Cru Kai’s husband realized I wasn’t going to get done fast enough, he enlisted these little angels to help me. We all sat around the same drawing of my tree and worked together to get it all drawn in. There is no way that I could be in that moment and feel even an ounce of loneliness anymore. I don’t think that there is much in this world that is more enjoyable than being taught how to do something by children. It is such a pure and genuine feeling that you can’t help but smile and laugh at how dopey adults must seem to them. There is no judgment or ego, only an eagerness to help and spend time with you. It was exactly what I needed. The day ended well, I came home and did some yoga before heading over to Cru Kai’s house to learn how to cook Thai food and drink beer. While I have more than a week left on my own, I now recognize how valuable this time is for me. I realize that it’s never really as bad as it seems, and it only gets worse the more you focus on it. I think that the next week and a half will still be a challenge, but I also know that the next time The Loneliness Monster comes knocking at my door, I will “Su! Su!” (Fight! Fight!).

Miss you guys!

Painting the Roses Red

The Thai royal family is very interesting if you ever have the time to read up on them. King Bhumibol Adulyadej Rama IX has been King and Head of State of Thailand since 1946, which makes him the world’s longest-serving current head of state and longest-serving monarch in Thai history. The King is held in very high regard by the Thai people and is even seen as being semi-divine. This is obvious when you get to Thailand, you will see large posters of him in every shop, restaurant, or home. There are massive billboards of him in his younger years everywhere and it is usually the first thing you see when you first drive into a new city, no matter what the size. There are shirts, bumper stickers, mugs, etc. everywhere that declare, “We Love the King!”. Similar to the yellow Lance Armstrong wristbands, there are "We Love the King!" wristbands that everyone here wears. The King is protected by lese majeste laws which means that any criticism of him can put you in jail for 3-15 years. Actually, very recently, an Australian man who had lived in Thailand for a while published a book that was critical of the King and Thai Royal Family and he was sentenced to 3 years in jail. Writing this is even making me a little nervous! The King is very interesting himself, he was born in the United States where his father was studying at Harvard, he went to schools in Switzerland and France before becoming King. The King had three daughters and a son. His second eldest daughter, Princess Maha Chakri Sirindhorn, from what I can tell, appears to be favored by the Thai public. She is very involved in royal projects, which ultimately brought her to Thawangpha last Friday and to the school that I have been teaching at. Apparently, she has some ties with Nan Province specifically and has made a number of previous visits to the area.

For the past month, many preparations took place at the school for the Princess’ visit. What started off as basic improvements to the campus, evolved into a complete facelift of the entire school. Buildings were painted top to bottom, new sod was put down, new plants and trees were planted, other older trees were torn down. The school was a frenzy of activity day and even night. I remember one Saturday I was so shocked to see students that I couldn’t even get to show up for any of my classes, spending their weekend painting the fence that runs around the school. The week of her visit, classes ceased and everyone was decorating the school with yards and yards of white and purple cloth (her color, she as born on a Saturday). All of this reminded me of the scene from the Disney movie Alice in Wonderland where the jacks are all painting the roses red (otherwise, it’s off with our head!). I don’t think it was all done in fear of the princess, but in such a desire to impress her. Shaleas brought up a good point one day when she asked, “Why don’t you just leave it as it is, and then she will see that the school needs more money”. I kind of agreed with her, rumor has it that the school borrowed close to 200,000 Baht to make all of these renovations. I think that this is one of those cultural differences that is hard for us Farang to understand. It made me think about what would have been done to my high school had the US President come to visit. More than likely it would have been cleaned up a little bit, but nothing to the extent that was done here. Her visit was such an honor that they wanted everything to be perfect.

The security was also interesting to experience. About a month before her visit a group of about 30-40 military and police officers came to assess the campus. Since I have been here, I have never once heard a plane, helicopter, or even a kite fly over Thawangpha, yet the day before her visit, while I am out doing yoga; five military-looking helicopters are surveying things from above. The morning of her visit, I woke up to find military and police officers right outside of our building and standing every 20 feet or so. The whole thing made me quite nervous, especially being such an obvious foreigner, there was no way for me to blend in. We were told exactly what outfits we should wear and how to style our hair. I couldn’t wear my watch or my ring, just in case it could be used as a weapon. Marianne, Shaleas, and I pretty much camped out inside one of the offices all morning. Once she arrived, she spent a few hours visiting various rooms that had been set up for her and watching students perform traditional Thai music. At around noon, we were called out for pictures. We were in Group 3 to take our picture with her and I knelt about 2 feet away from her. She appeared to be a very modest and kind woman, even smiling for the pictures. After that, she went to eat lunch and then she left.

It was an interesting experience, I am sure that I will always remember the time that I “met” Thai royalty. I will definitely never forget the frenzy of preparations that took place beforehand; it was a true taste of how much the Thai love their Royal Family.