Hey Handyman, Love Me Love My Dog.

I like to sing karaoke. I’m not too particularly great at it, but I enjoy getting a little drunk with friends and pretending I can sing every now and then. I think it is fun to do on special occasions with good company. In fact, one of my last nights in San Diego was spent having a little too much fun with beer and soju at a local karaoke/Korean restaurant. Johnny, I hope you are alive and well.


However, Thailand takes karaoke to a whole new level. In general, Thai people really like to perform and they especially like to sing. They will also try to push singing on other people too. I can’t even count how many times I have been in the middle of teaching a lesson when the students just start yelling, “Sing song! Teacha, sing song!” One of the first times this happened, I told them that I didn’t know any Thai songs, and they started saying, “Handy Man! Handy Man!” Huh?? The good news is that Thai people are mostly pretty good singers, which I think is partly because of the tonal language thing. I guess it would be pretty rough to be tone deaf here. The bad news is that karaoke is like their crack, you get a microphone anywhere near them and they start itching.

When we first got to Thawangpha, we found a restaurant up on this hill, which we now cleverly refer to as “the restaurant on the hill”. It was the first restaurant we found that offered more than just noodle soup to eat and we immediately became regulars. It has a karaoke stage and oftentimes the restaurant is dead except for us and one or two other tables of men. It would not be an exaggeration to say that women here do not drink and don’t even seem to exist past 9 o’clock at night. Yet, all their husbands are out drinking Thai whiskey and singing karaoke like the crackwhores they are. Obviously, three farang women in a place like this are always going to get some attention. They don’t really hit on us, but they always want us to sit and drink with them while they try out their English. One of our first nights here, a group of men really wanted us to “sing song”. We told them that we didn’t know any Thai songs, but one guy starts saying, “Love me love my dog”. At first, I am like, what the heck is he talking about? Is this some sort of marriage proposal? We just kind of smile and shake our heads like we don’t understand. A short time later, we decide to give it a go and head up to the stage to talk to the man running the karaoke machine. We ask what English songs he has and he immediately starts saying, “Handy Man” over and over. Meanwhile, the same guy from before brings me a slip of paper that says, “Love me love my dog” on it. I just kind of smiled again, said okay, and put it in my pocket, realizing at this point that this was not a love note, but obviously the title for some English song that I had never heard of. Our official Thailand karaoke careers started with the butchering of a Celine Dion song and was followed by a scary rendition of “Zombie” by The Cranberries. It wasn’t pretty, but there’s now no shame for us in Thailand.


It turns out that "Handy Man" is a James Taylor song and "Love Me Love My Dog" is by some dude named Peter Shelley. Of all the English songs that they could possibly know, these two seventies songs are the two they love. It’s like they got a shipment of overstocked $0.99 CDs from a truck stop in Iowa somewhere and have had it on repeat ever since. If I just say the word “Handyman” around Thai adults, they freak out. It is truly bazaar.

At first it was a novelty, but now it is inescapable. No matter what restaurant we go to there is someone singing karaoke. If there is a wedding nearby, all you can hear is someone wailing along with some cheesy Thai song. People sit in their garages on Tuesday evenings with bottles of 100 Pipers and their karaoke. I have been kept awake until 2 am because the director of the school is next-door singing karaoke in the driveway. Apparently, before a young boy leaves home to become a monk, they send him off with karaoke. Our school passed an important assessment yesterday and guess what they did for the teachers to celebrate? Yup, you guessed it, Karaoke.

Karaoke is Thailand and it is here to stay. Instead of fighting it, we are trying to embrace it. Like Bugs Bunny said, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! I am currently working on memorizing “Rok Saam Sow”, a popular Thai song about a love triangle that ends with the girl getting hit by a car. Tragic. I love it.

My First Bug-Related Incident

I knew it would happen at some point. In fact, I have played out the various scenarios in my head many times. However, that doesn't mean that I was ever really prepared. It happened tonight, and I went for it, well, at least halfway anyway.

We didn't have school on Friday for the King's birthday. Marianne and Shaleas took off for the long weekend and I decided to stay here and experience Thawangpha solo. I slept in late this morning, did laundry, grabbed some pad thai, and spent most of the day exploring on my motorbike. At around 3:30 I get a call from Cru Peh, one of the junior Thai English teachers at school. She invites me up to Bua to eat dinner with her family. Her sister's boyfriend spent some time in America and some other English speaking countries and is eager to hang out with a farang for the evening. They pick me up and we make the 20 minute drive up to Bua. We stop off at the fresh market to get food for dinner and we make our way to her family's house. Upon arriving there, we immediately go across the street to her aunt's house where her sister is getting Thai massage. This is always one of those awkward situations where you are in someone's house and no one there really speaks English and the one person that does speak English keeps leaving, and you just kinda stand there not really knowing what to do. I just kind of smiled the entire time. Eventually, Cru Peh comes back and says to come with her to buy pork. It was dark out and getting colder, so we bundle up and jump on her motorbike. I figure we will head back to the market in town, but instead she turns toward the country. After driving for a little while, she turns off into this neighborhood and is winding down through little alleys and roads. We pull up to someone's house and she yells something in Thai. This woman comes out and goes to the building behind her house. She comes back with a plastic bag of pork, we pay her and leave. I felt like I was just part of a back-alley meat deal or something. I remember thinking right then and there that maybe this wouldn't be just any ordinary night in Thailand. We get back to her aunt's house and her sister is still getting her massage so we head over to her grandma's house a few blocks away. In most Thai houses, the kitchens are indoor-outdoor, and screened off from the living quarters. We sat on the floor of the kitchen cutting the pork and washing the vegetables, which was domestic and fun. Once we were ready, we went out to the living room and prepared the spread. Most of the time, Thai families eat on a big mat sitting on the floor. Even if they have a kitchen table, they will sit and eat next to it on the floor, with all of the food spread out in the middle. In this case we were eating sukiyaki, so we had the broth boiling in the middle, and the add-ins - cabbage, some herbs, the meat, and some noodles, spread around. You pretty much throw everything in and when it is cooked you just spoon out what you want, add hot sauce and enjoy. Cru Peh's sister and her boyfriend show up, along with two friends with the 100 Pipers whiskey in tow. We hang out, eat pork in it's various forms, drink whiskey and Coke, and talk. Well, they mostly talked and I listened, paying extra attention every time I heard the word "farang". They could have been talking shit about me, I would never know, but I assume the best and just smile most of the time. They were really great about refilling my drink, so I sat and enjoyed my buzz. At one point, I remember hearing the aunt in the kitchen frying something up and thinking that I was really too full to eat anymore. I even said "im leaou" (I'm full), much to their amusement. Her aunt finally walks out with two heaping bowls of grilled bugs. She sets them down and it takes a good second or two for it to hit me.....I think she wants us to eat these. Everyone (except the boyfriend) starts digging in, throwing back bugs like Americans eat popcorn. I sit there quietly, hoping maybe they won't notice that I am not partaking, but of course that doesn't last. The aunt picks up the bowl and hands it to me and everyone looks to see what I will do. They looked kind of like grasshoppers, with those same legs and abdomen, but when I asked, they adamantly said that they were not grasshoppers. The look on my face must have been pure horror, because Cru Peh proceeds to dig through the pile and picks out a good one for me. Everyone keeps saying how good they are, so I decide to go for it. I rip off a leg and eat it. Not too bad, pretty much just crunchy and salty, so I rip off the other leg and eat it. With everyone staring at me, I knew I needed to go further, so I pop the head off (looked crunchier than the body), closed my eyes and ate it. It had the same crunchy, saltiness as the legs, not too horrible. But now I was left with the body, and I was scared because I could tell it was probably mushy on the inside. As I sat there getting up the courage to eat it, Cru Peh looks at me and says, "That is the best part, it is where the eggs are." I shit you not people, she seriously said that. I debated it for a second or two, but time breeds fear, so I looked at her and I said, "I'm sorry, I can't do it". So she took it out of my hand and popped it into her mouth. I immediately downed the rest of my whiskey and coke.

I know it wouldn't have won me anything on Fear Factor, but I ate two legs and a head, so I think that counts for something.

I Motorbike, Therefore I Am

I have found that there is nothing more freeing and exhilarating than when I am driving my motorbike. Think The Motorcycle Diaries except on a sexy red Honda S100 that has bunny stickers on it.

At orientation, we were strongly advised to stay off motorbikes. But, after getting up to Thawangpha and seeing everyone and their mother (quite literally) riding them around town, I felt like I was missing out on a true Thailand experience. When I say that everyone rides them here, I mean EVERYONE. From the 95-year-old woman and all her chickens to the 4 person family. I am not even kidding when I say that. I have actually seen mom, dad, their toddler, and their baby all packed onto a motorbike before. What finally decided it for me was seeing the school parking lot. As you can see in the photo, pretty much all the students ride them to school. Now, I couldn't have my students whizzing their motorbikes past me as I was huffing it to the market everyday, could I? No! I am a 29 year old woman, I can surely handle driving a scooter!

One evening, as we were walking along the highway (seems more dangerous than riding a motorbike, eh?) to go back to our house, two guys on a motorbike pulled over to ask us the usual, "Where are you going? Where have you been? Have you eaten yet?". We started talking to them and the one guy, Poon, spoke pretty good English. We mentioned that we were interested in either buying or renting motorbikes for the next four months and asked if he knew anyone who could help us out. As fate would have it, Poon lived and worked in Phuket for a number of years and is quite the business man. He happened to have a number of motorbikes that he said he would be happy to rent to us. Obviously, we were stoked, and the rest is history.

I named my motorbike Alison, not only because she is sexy and has tons of spunk, but also because she never lets me down. As you can see, I always wear my helmet because I believe in safety first! I might be the only person that wears a helmet in Thawangpha, and I am pretty sure my students make fun of me, but I don't care. Now that I have her, I really can't imagine not having her in my life. Practically speaking, it is just so helpful for getting around town. We live on the school grounds which is a ways from the center of town, so walking would not be fun. It also gives me more freedom to give private English lessons and earn more Baht.

Going beyond practicalities, when I ride my motorbike is when, "Holy crap, I am living in Thailand" hits me the most. Sometimes I take her out around dusk and just drive down a random country road. It is so beautiful sometimes I get tears in my eyes. Just imagine the sun setting, bright orange or red in the sky, just above the mountains. I am looking out on a beautiful landscape with farmers and mules working in their fields and the smell of burning brush in the air. The wind on my face and the beautiful expanse of it all is so overwhelming sometimes I feel like I might explode. It hits me hard - this is why I am here, this is the feeling that life is all about. Living in the moment has never been so easy.

Want to Postal Service Me?

I want to preface this post by saying that in no way do I expect to get care packages or love letters. Although, getting a package here reminds me a lot of when I got something at camp as a kid, minus having to sing or dance for it. I have gotten one thing in the mail since I have been here (thanks mom and dad!) and some of the Thai teachers seemed pretty amazed that it was even possible. Of course, to them, paying $40 (about 1400 Baht) to send a package of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and tampons (thanks mom & dad!) seems pretty ridiculous. But, I thought it was pretty frickin’ cool.

At any rate, my address is as follows if you feel inspired to send a Christmas card or to let me know that I am the next Publisher’s Clearinghouse Million Dollar Winner!

Kelly Peterson
Thawangphapittayakhom School
Thawangpha District
Nan Province, Thailand 55140

Yes, that long-ass name is the name of my school, and yes, I can type it without looking at my fingers while doing it. There is an actual street number for the school, but the town is small enough that everyone knows where the farang live, so no matter what, it will get to me.

Truly, I really don’t need anything, unless you can figure out a way to send a Double Double Animal Style (must…eat….beef…soon!). If even after all this, you still want to send something, a good idea would be to send some things for my students. I like to give out prizes when we play games, so think either individually wrapped candy or something with Mickey Mouse on it. No matter what, they will be excited to get something from America, even if it was probably made in China.

Oh, and of course, love letters are always welcome. ;-)